Why Are Some Men So Determined to Date Much Younger Women?

By now, you’ve probably seen the viral videos of 18-year-old Chisom: bloodied and swollen, standing beside the older man, her husband, accused of hurting her while he struggles to hide her face from view.

The videos have left many Nigerians asking the same questions: How does someone so young end up defending a man accused of abusing her? And why do stories involving abusive relationships so often involve significant age gaps?

According to activist Harrison Gwamnishu, who has been documenting her case, Chisom was reportedly about 15 years old when the relationship began. He has described her as deeply traumatised and in need of professional psychological support. He also urged people not to judge her harshly, noting that she was still a minor when the relationship reportedly started and suggesting that her attachment to the suspect may be rooted in years of emotional dependency and manipulation.

Though not every relationship with a significant age gap is abusive, experts on abuse have long pointed out that people seeking control often look for relationships where power is already uneven. Age can be one of those imbalances.

Coined by sociologist Evan Stark, coercive control describes abuse that isn’t limited to physical violence. It’s a pattern of domination that can include isolation, surveillance, financial control, intimidation, humiliation, and restrictions on a person’s independence. In coercive control, physical violence is often just one part of a much larger system of control.

Trigger Warning: This contains content viewers may find distressing or triggering. It includes reports of violence and physical assault. Viewer’s discretion is advised.

Age gaps alone don’t determine whether a relationship is healthy. Two adults can have an age gap and still have a loving, respectful, and consensual relationship. The bigger issue is power. The question is: Why do some men specifically seek relationships where the age gap creates an advantage for them?

It’s simple. More often than not, a woman in her late 20s, 30s, or older knows what she wants. She has enough relationship experience to recognise red flags. She is more likely to push back. She has a career, a social network, and opinions that have been tested by time. She is harder to convince that unhealthy treatment is normal because she has enough context to know otherwise.

A young woman, especially one without stable family support, often hasn’t developed that comparison point yet. She may not know what a healthy relationship looks like because she hasn’t seen enough of them. She may not fully understand her own worth because no one has reflected it back to her long enough.

And predatory men know the difference. In many cases, that’s exactly what they’re looking for. Here’s what that selection process can look like in practice.

Does this young woman have little to no income? Is she still in secondary school, just entering university, or financially dependent on others? Would leaving require resources she doesn’t have? For some abusive men, those aren’t warning signs. They’re opportunities. Pay her school fees. Cover her rent. Help with transportation. Buy gifts. Assist her in finding work. Then make sure she never forgets it.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with offering or receiving help. The problem begins when that help becomes leverage. When every act of generosity comes with an unspoken debt, leaving starts to feel impossible.

Men who specifically target vulnerable young women often position themselves as rescuers. I took you in. I gave you a home. I loved you when nobody else did. That narrative is designed to create loyalty, gratitude, and guilt. Over time, the relationship becomes less about love and more about obligation. The young woman begins to feel that leaving would be a betrayal rather than a decision.

That’s when the familiar line appears: “After everything I’ve done for you…”

For some predatory men, the calculation is straightforward. Has she had few or no serious relationships? If so, she’s less likely to recognise manipulation for what it is. She may mistake jealousy for passion, control for protection, and isolation for love. Not because younger women are less intelligent, but because they’re just that, younger.

They often have fewer dating experiences, making it harder to spot manipulation early. They may feel less confident challenging bad behaviour, especially when their partner is significantly older and perceived as more knowledgeable or experienced.

Someone experiencing their first serious relationship may interpret control as love because they’ve never seen the difference.

Isolation is one of the most effective tools in an abuser’s arsenal. Young women may be moving cities for school, living away from family, financially dependent, or still building their own support systems.

For an abusive partner, those circumstances can be useful. The fewer people around to question the relationship, the easier it becomes to maintain control.

When your family doesn’t know where you are, when you don’t have your own community, and when the person you’re living with becomes your primary source of support, leaving can feel like losing everything.

That’s not an accident.

To put it plainly, a 15-year-old is unlikely to challenge a partner the same way a 35-year-old would. Some men find that very convenient.

Despite the popular narrative that older women are somehow “undesirable,” what many women actually gain with age is confidence, financial independence, stronger boundaries, and a clearer sense of self. They have more relationship experience. They’re more likely to identify manipulation and call it out. They’re more likely to challenge unhealthy behaviour. And they’re often better positioned to leave.

That doesn’t mean every younger woman is naïve or that every older woman is impossible to manipulate. But controlling behaviour is often harder to sustain when a partner has more experience, resources, and support.

Chisom lost her mother when she was seven. Her father, who reportedly struggled with depression after his wife’s death, lost contact with her and her siblings. According to reports, his family only became aware of her situation after the video went viral. She then found herself in a relationship with a man old enough to be her father, a relationship that Gwamnishu has since confirmed is not legally recognised as a marriage.

When the video emerged, Nigerians were outraged. Many of them then redirected that outrage at Chisom herself after she begged people not to arrest him.

But the question, “Why is she defending him?” misunderstands what years of grooming and trauma can do to a person.

Psychologists use the term trauma bond to describe the powerful emotional attachment that can form between an abuser and the person they’re abusing. That attachment is often reinforced through a cycle of cruelty followed by affection, apologies, gifts, promises, and temporary periods of calm. Then there’s emotional dependency. Fear. Financial reliance. Isolation.

And, in some cases, grooming: the process through which a person builds trust, emotional dependence, and influence over a younger or more vulnerable person before abuse occurs. Experts note common patterns, including selecting vulnerable targets, making them feel special, isolating them from support systems, and gradually increasing control over time. For Chisom, all of these factors matter.

Gwamnishu put it plainly: she is deeply traumatised and may require professional psychological support. You cannot remove someone from the only emotional reality they’ve known and expect their response to look rational to outsiders.

The Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Agency (DSVA) has now been contacted to intervene. The suspect remains in police custody, the marriage has been confirmed as illegal, and investigations are ongoing.

Chisom’s story isn’t a lesson about age-gap relationships. It’s a reminder that abuse thrives where power goes unquestioned. The real conversation isn’t whether every older man dating a younger woman has bad intentions. It’s why some men consistently seek relationships where they’re older, wealthier, more experienced, and harder to challenge.

Because when one person holds all the power, the relationship stops being about love and starts becoming about control. When a grown man pursues a teenage girl, especially one who is grieving, isolated, and without meaningful family protection, that is not a love story. It is a selection process. He did not choose her despite her vulnerability. In cases like this, the vulnerability is often the point.

We need to stop asking why she stayed and start asking why he chose someone with so few options for leaving. Chisom deserves care, protection, and time to heal, not judgment for the loyalty that was engineered into her before she was old enough to know better.

We need to stop asking why she stayed and start asking why he chose someone with so few options for leaving. Chisom deserves care, protection, and time to heal, not judgment for the loyalty that was engineered into her before she was old enough to know better.

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