Sunken Ships: I Hate My Older Sister’s Relationship

Sunken Ships is a ThePress weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

Joy* (28) used to be best friends with her older sister, Moje* (30), until Moje started dating Fola*. 

For Sunken Ships, Joy opens up about watching her sister shrink under a controlling relationship, how her attempt at an intervention backfired, and the distance that has followed since.

Moje and I are two years apart, and growing up, she was my best friend and role model. I admired her so much, and I wanted to be exactly like her.

We remained close. We talked almost every day. If anything happened, she was the first person I’d call. I used to spend weekends at her place and we always made time to hang out with our mutual friends. Now I second-guess whether to even text her. 

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She started dating a guy named Fola* in 2024. She met him through a mutual friend, and at first, she wouldn’t stop talking about him. I met him a few times after they got together, and he seemed sweet. He called her often, and showered her with affection. I remember telling my sister he seemed serious about her.

At first, it was very small things. She started spending a lot of time at his place, and we didn’t get to see each other often. Then it became her not wanting to go out with her friends unless she checked with him first. I thought maybe she was just being a considerate girlfriend, but it kept escalating, and I started to worry.

In April 2025, our cousin was getting married in Ondo. Moje and I had bought our outfits and were supposed to travel together. Two days before, she called to say she wasn’t coming anymore. When I asked why, she said Fola felt the wedding “wasn’t necessary for her to attend”. I thought it was ridiculous.

No, I only made a joke about him hiding her from her family. She laughed it off and said I was exaggerating. But it kept happening. She missed countless hangouts with her other friends and me. We’d be expecting her, and she’d cancel at the last minute. The worst part was that every excuse she gave had to do with Fola or an opinion he had about the outing.

Yes. The more the relationship went on, the more all her decisions revolved around whether Fola would like it and what he thought. She even changed the way she dressed because Fola preferred a different look.

I was at her place one weekend, and we were gisting about her relationship. Then she confided in me that she and Fola had a big argument. When she described their argument, she mentioned that he had yelled at her and punched a wall before storming out, which I saw as a huge red flag. She tried to downplay it as a one-off, and I decided to talk to her about all my concerns.

Honestly, I was too harsh at first. I told her bluntly that her relationship was getting too controlling and that I didn’t like how obsessed she’d become with Fola’s approval. I reminded her of how she used to travel and go out whenever she wanted. I told her that Fola might be manipulating her.

She got defensive immediately. She said I didn’t understand their relationship, and I was only seeing the bad parts and not the good ones. She said that every relationship has its issues. Then it turned into her accusing me of never liking anyone she dated. She also called me jealous because I’m single, and that one stung.

I talked about it with our cousin, who advised me to apologise to her because she’s the older sibling. So two days later, I called to apologise.

No, she told me to stay out of her business if I couldn’t support her relationship. Since then, our calls have gone from every other day to maybe once every couple of weeks. Even those calls feel stiff, like we’re walking on eggshells around each other.

My mum has goten suspicious, but doesn’t know the full story. I haven’t told her about Fola’s fight with Moje because it’s not really my place to share, and I think she would feel betrayed if she found out I told our mum behind her back. 

We’re cordial but distant. She doesn’t tell me any details about her relationship with Fola anymore, and she comes to even fewer hangouts. The few times we see each other, I try to hide my emotions when Fola’s name pops up. I hate that he has come between us. Sometimes I catch myself wishing they’d break up, and then I feel guilty because she’s my sister and I want her to be happy. 

That I’m not trying to control who she loves, I just want her to see how she’s being isolated by this person. I just want my sister back.

I hope so. I miss my sister, and I feel so helpless. It feels like she’s disappearing into this relationship, and I don’t know how to reach her. I can only pray she knows that I’ll always have her best interests at heart.

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