Love Currency: “My Mother-in-Law Is a Financial Burden, but I Can’t Admit It”

The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different cities.

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

My wife, Phoebe, and I have been married for five years. We courted for a year before we got married.

My pastor matchmade us in 2020. I’d just come out of a long-term relationship that ended in heartbreak, and my pastor noticed I was getting depressed. So, he was like, “You need to move on. I have the perfect woman for you.”

Pheobe was his wife’s mentee. My pastor shared her number, and we got talking. True to his words, she was the perfect woman. She was warm, outgoing, and we shared similar values. We knew the purpose of the matchmaking was to get married, so once we clicked, we just started planning the wedding. 

It took a year because we had to attend marriage counselling for six months and court for another six — we don’t call it dating in my church — to know each other better. Our families and church helped fund our wedding, which was really helpful.

Can one really be completely financially ready? From our income perspective, it could definitely have been better. 

I had an office manager job that paid me ₦150k/month, and Phoebe’s teaching job paid ₦80k. Both salaries combined weren’t ideal for building a home, but we believed in starting small and taking one step at a time.

Also, we agreed that it would be all-hands-on-deck. We were open with each other about our finances, and the idea was we’d operate a 100-100 system. My money is our money, and so is her money. As long as there was a need, either of us could take it up if we had the money to sort it out.

Oh no. Each person’s money stays in their own account. I don’t really believe in joint accounts or putting all the money in one person’s account because it can intentionally give one person power over the other. 

You have to start explaining what you’re using your money for, and you can’t even spend your own money freely without someone keeping an eye on it. It works for some people, but I don’t think it’s healthy.

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Our own system is different. We know each other’s income and handle expenses as they come. If my wife gets paid now, she can buy food for the home without asking me. If her salary runs out, she tells me, and I send her money for food. 

Or if my salary runs out first after taking care of things for the house, she starts “loaning” me money for transport. I typically don’t pay back, and she doesn’t expect me to. Even if I pay her back and become broke again, she’s still the one I’ll run back to. We’ve been running this system for five years now, and it’s been working for us. 

I earn ₦380k/month now, and my wife earns about ₦150k in total from teaching and organising after-school tutorials. 

We earn more now, but things are tougher than when we first got married because we now have two children, and my wife’s mother moved in with us five months ago.

She used to live with my wife’s elder brother until he moved out of the country, and my wife didn’t want her to return to the village alone. I understand her reasons, but having my mother-in-law here has only made our financial struggles worse.

Before, we could manage our finances so that my wife’s salary covered our feeding and her transportation to work. Mine covered rent, transportation, and other household expenses. Now, barely one week after my wife gets paid, she starts asking me for food money because she’s spent all her salary. 

Since my mother-in-law came, our food expenses have tripled. She has certain health conditions and can only eat certain foods, such as fish and vegetables, without seasoning. Most of the time, my wife has to cook two separate meals so Mama can eat. That’s not sustainable, and I’m tired of complaining. Whenever I complain about her money running out too quickly, my wife makes it seem like I don’t want her mother around. 

To be fair to her, my wife tries her best to manage the added expenses, but it’s still a lot for us. The only solution would be for my mother-in-law to leave. She’s a financial burden, and my wife knows it, which is why she interprets my complaints as an attempt to send her away. 

Technically, that’s true. I want her to leave, but I’ve been holding back from saying it to keep the peace. Admitting that would be like signing away my peace of mind. For years to come, she’ll keep referring to the time when I “sent her mother away”.

I’ve repeatedly suggested to my wife that we ask her brother to send us some money each month to take care of her mother, but she’s against it for a couple of reasons. 

One, her brother just recently relocated, and she thinks it would be unfair to start asking for money before they get settled. Two, it’s her mum, and she wants to be able to take care of her. Again, I understand that, but how can we do that when we don’t have money? I’m trying to be as patient and understanding as I can to avoid a major disagreement, but it gets to a limit. We’ve been having regular quarrels about it.

I’ve told my wife she has until September to discuss with her brother and settle on a living arrangement or allowance for her mother. Our first child will start school in September. If she doesn’t discuss the situation with her brother, I’ll call him myself and tell him what’s happening here. I can’t keep shouldering extra responsibility.

With which money? I can’t remember the last time we went on a date or bought each other gifts. We didn’t even take those seriously before. Now, we’re just trying to survive.

It’s mostly just rent. I save ₦65k monthly for that. My wife makes a ₦15k monthly ajo contribution at her place of work, and we usually use that to get something we need for the house or to repay any loan we’ve taken to cover expenses. 

We take loans from friends almost every month to sort out one unforeseen circumstance or another. In April, for instance, my son fell ill, and we had to borrow ₦100k for the medical expenses.

We both need better jobs. What we earn today is practically nothing. If we both earn at least ₦500k, I’m sure our future will be much better.

Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

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