A Daughter’s First Bully is Usually Her Mother

TW:

Earlier this week, an X user posted a tweet that went viral. 

This tweet, displaying an illustration of a mother beating her daughter while blood pools out of her, sparked conversations about a girl’s mother being her first bully. A lot of women backed this up by documenting the abuse they faced at the hands of their mothers. 

Studies have found that mothers are the most common perpetrators of physical violence against their children, and this is usually because they spend the most hours alone with them. More contact often means more chances for harm, whether that harm comes from exhaustion, poverty, or something more sinister.

A lot of these women became mothers before they had the chance to become emotionally regulated adults. They were still carrying their own unresolved trauma, maybe from their own mother, and when marriage adds even more weight through a husband’s neglect, abuse, or absence, that repressed frustration has to go somewhere. That ‘somewhere’ is usually her first daughter. She often feels she can’t direct her anger at her husband, so she turns it on her daughter instead, making life unbearable for her. 

There’s also a more disturbing layer to it, where some mothers see their daughters as competition for their husband’s attention, going as far as calling them their father’s “side chick.” It’s the kind of dynamic explored in recent research on narcissistic mother-daughter relationships, which identifies maternal envy, jealousy, and competition as recurring themes when mothers begin to see their daughters as rivals rather than children to love and protect.

A lot of times when conversations about a mother being abusive come up, you’ll find people saying, “give her grace, it’s her first time living,” and while nuance is always needed in conversations, it’s important to note that it’s the daughter’s first time on earth, too. She shouldn’t have to exist in a world where the person who is supposed to love her the most keeps leaving bruises on her body. 

Mothers need to show up for their daughters in every sense of the word, not just by feeding and clothing them and calling that love. A daughter should never grow up believing abuse is another form of affection or spend her adult years trying to unlearn the idea that pain is simply part of being loved by her mother. Raising a child requires patience, emotional maturity, and a willingness to be there for them even on your worst days. Daughters should never become the safest place to dump the anger and hurt you cannot direct anywhere else.

Daughters are human beings who deserve love and safety like everyone else. Again, it’s their first time living too, and they shouldn’t have to live their life wondering why their mother does not love them.